super troubled. dunno what to expect. damn it i cant even study. I cant even remember the bones.

All those what-if questions keep on popping out. what is this.. what if that..

dearest i need you, i din ask for that. i dunno how it turn out to be like this.

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i want to pass my test. i dun want an A. i just want to pass. be it a or b or what.
i want to be by his side now.
i want my forever lullaby and forever pillow.
i want to be care-free like how i used to be.
i want to comb his hair.. examine his hands.. wipe his face with a wet towel and keep him fresh to face the busy days.
i want to be with him and do nothing.
i want to go wait for him outside his college, and go for lunch together.
i want to watch movie but concentrate more on his breathing and laughter than the movie.
i want to eat laksa with him and stuff his bowl with the mint leaves that i dun eat.
i want to clean his room entirely.. wash the curtains, mop the floor three times, take out all the clothes in the closet and iron them then put them back, change his bedsheet, ask whether he prefer a bright colour or a dark colour bedsheet, tidy up his study table, arrange all his medicines in the drawer, refill his medicine box with medications.
i want to be serving him medicines every night before he sleeps, and then clean the cup of water and pats him to sleep..
i want to stay awake just to see him sleep, and then snap a photo of him sleeping and set it as my handphone wallpaper.
i want to wake him up with a whisper of good morning in his ears.
i want to do his laundry.
i want to marry him.

the ultimate wish.

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dunno why my post ended that way.
dun ask more. im still troubled. thinking those makes me feel better.
thats all.