Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Hey,

You might not know this is for you, cause im pretty sure you dont know you changed me this much.

I was a happy and cheerful girl. I had no worries, sadness to me is the feeling i feel when i cant get the ice cream i wanted from the groceries. But when i was 12, something changed me. I remember running back to my room 2 in the morning, still terrified and stayed awake till it was near dawn. The next morning, you asked me why did i went back to my room like nothing happened. Thats when i know you were drunk. So drunk that you dont know you did something terrible.

I became a girl who is alert and sensitive, although clumsy. i was easily startled. Im scared of people who drink alcohol like it was water. I dare not risk anything. For a period of time, i hated the family gatherings that require stay-overs, like chinese new year, or some parties at my grandma's place. Simply because i'll be sleeping together with you in the same room. Times like that, i'll be awake for most of the time, i'll wake up in the middle of night, fearfully listening to your snoring, wrapping myself up with the blanket, preparing to run if anything like that happens.

Im scared.

And that incident totally changed my feelings towards you. From a respectful person, you became the person i have to take care of when you're old. Nothing more than the responsibility and obligations that society put on me. I do not look up to you anymore. I became rebellious, i dun want to be in the same enclosed space with you at all. The thought of breathing the same air with you makes me sick. I start to distance myself away.

People say i dont know how to respect you, i pick on you. Yes, i did that on purpose. Sometimes i just cant stand looking at you. That period of time, my entire mind is full of hatred. I hated to go back home and face you.

I grew up keeping it as a secret. Until i met my best buddies of all time, and him. Even after 5 years, i cried like a child when i told them this although i never cried when it happened. They tried to help me walk out of this nightmare.

Now, im much better. Still easily startled, clumsy, alert and sensitive; im now more cheerful and mature. One of my besties assure me that i'll soon forget about it; the other one wanted me to be strong and never look down on myself. The other important part of my live, he filled my fear with love.

I can forgive, but i cant forget. You played a big part of my life. Im learning to be respectful, learning to see you as someone who brought me up to become a lady, but not the one who gave me the nightmare when i was a girl. I tried to be appreciative, and im still learning. I hope someday, i'll be able to bring you out for a trip, and stay overnight without the fear haunting me.

Im choosing to write this out because i dont want it to bother me anymore.

Till then.

Yours,
Wen Yi